Tag: teens

The Day You Died

On April 15, 2003, you died, but I died too. The girl I was up until that day, died. She died in a car crash along with her mother. A part of grief that hurts so much is that you’re dealing with a loss and the loss of yourself, because you really do not know how to go on without the person. After that day of loss, I lost myself too. I had to rebuild myself and adjust without you on Earth. The new me, is missing a lot of parts; only ones a mother could fill.

Everyday I hear your voice come out of my mouth, not what you’d say but your actual pitch and tone—It’s terrifying and amazing but it makes me fearful of speaking at times.

Sometimes I see your face in the mirror when I’m putting on my make up, and I briefly gasp and look away. I’m turning into you more and more.

I hear your voice in my head all day-saying what I think you’d reply to my usual million questions. I have conversations with you, and imagine the advice you’d give. I have searched (and will continue to search) everywhere for that feeling only a mother could provide-that calming feeling of relief that “everything will be okay.” To say I miss you does not apply. As miss means “fail to notice, hear, or understand.” I always understood you the most. My entire being aches from your absence. I cry and scream, and hold my two hands together, pretending one is yours, to comfort myself, as you taught me.

Hearing your voice in mine, seeing your face in mine, is all I have left of you.

Anxiety

My first anxiety attach occurred when I was 8 years old. I think. I was at a restaurant, and I remember feeling strange. My heart raced, I couldn’t breathe. I told my mother about it, and she insisted it was an anxiety attack. I had already been in therapy, so it was just something else to discuss with the therapist. Why do children get anxiety?

I remember my father blaming my mother. She had been anxious in front of me, so some how I caught it. HA! Yes, there is some truth in that, based off of my Google research. Children are taught these behaviors, but there has to be a pre-existing genetic link as well.

My anxiety is rough. My psychosomatic symptoms should win Academy awards. I have felt physically ill, on so many levels. Besides hyperventilating, I have had feelings of dizziness and sensations that I am on a roller coaster or falling. I’ve had phantom pain, practically everywhere. When I was in 5th grade, my father told us he was moving far away for a while. Rather than sharing my sadness, I had intense headaches for weeks and blurry vision. For a time in high school, I had a fear of urinating on myself. So, I had bladder pain. I can go on and on. My psychosomatic symptoms have tricked me into visiting the doctor many times. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve become tired of them, and actually started to avoid the doctor.

My anxiety turned to panic when I was 15. I had just started my 2nd year of high school. Maybe it was hormonal, but I could not sit through one class. I would start to panic, my hands would tingle, my vision would be blurry. I had an urge to run. I had to leave. I would ask to go to the nurse. I had to get out of the situation. I would later learn that my fight or flight response was broken. My panic button was pushed on-always. I started missing school. I lied to my friends and told them I had mono. I would try to go to class, and end up in the nurse’s office. She grew tired of me, fast. She got nasty too. My mother would end up picking me up from school, everyday. I was missing class, tests, assignments. My life was falling apart.

At the time, I did not think it was anxiety or panic. I was convinced I was dying. I stopped eating. We began going to doctors. My bladder pain was so intense, my mother took me to a urologist. We went to 4 different specialists, I had sonograms, bloodwork-of course everything was normal. It took about a month of this charade at school for my mother to realize, this wasn’t physical. This was completely mental.