I am full of anxiety these days. Tasks like going to the store take so much energy. I used to want to go everywhere and see everything. Now, I’m proud of myself for just leaving the house. The thought of getting on a plane, train, or bus really makes me nauseated. Besides the incubation of germs, there are so many unhinged people right now. People that did not receive proper medical care, lost someone during Covid, or they’re still processing everything that happened. Crime is out of control. The price of things is out of control. The world wasn’t the same after 9/11 but this is much different. There’s so much anger everywhere. Is my anxiety warranted? How will I get out of this funk? My therapist asked me to reflect on my previous methods for removing myself from this semi agoraphobic state. Hmm, what will it take?

It’s like a roller coaster. Everyone is saying go on, you’ll love it. But, I’m terrified. I can’t imagine going on and enjoying it. I can’t imagine how it will feel to go through the entire ride. I don’t see a positive ending. I can’t imagine the ride ending and everything being okay. I want to get on the ride, I want to enjoy it and I want to think it will be okay. But, I can’t picture it. And because I can’t picture it, i don’t believe it’s possible. I hope it’s like one of those situations where you do something and it does turn out well and you turn around and say “oh, that was it? That’s all?” And “it wasn’t that bad.”

We are going to live our lives like every day is our last. We will travel. Go out to dinner. Make friends. Find new hobbies. I will get a job that isn’t in a toxic place. I will spend my time doing things I love, like gardening and decorating. We will not sit here and expire. We will go on living and our lives will be filled with joy. It will hurt and we may be disappointed but we will eventually accept our fate.

The darkest days were behind me

The darkest days were behind me. Where is my day in the sun? When will it come? Hanging on with all of my might. I do not know if I can live through this night.

Is it selfish to want a family of my own to replace the family I lost? My heart is full of pain.

On April 15, 2003, I died. I didn’t die in the physical form, my body remains on Earth. But, I died in so many other ways. My childhood was stunted as it was, but on April 15th, it was over for good.

Dear younger Self,

You’re in pain right now for many reasons. Your mom is in bed, depressed. You’re cleaning the house and decorating because you just want a normal life. You’ve spent your own money on flowers for the garden. You do all of the cleaning. It’s not your job. It doesn’t matter if the house is a little messy. What matters is that you have a home and you have food. Nothing is ever good enough for you. You always want more. Why aren’t you grateful? Other people have it a lot worse than you. Yes, your parents can be toxic but they kept you alive. I know you see that your friends have “normal” lives, but do you really want to be like everyone else? Does it matter if we have a brand new kitchen or a fancy new car? No, it doesn’t. What matters is that they love you. They love you very much. You’re going to be okay because you’re strong, smart and capable. You can do anything. I know it’s been hard. You had to grow up quickly. You’ve had to worry about things that a little girl shouldn’t have to worry about. But, it’s made you stronger. You’ve had a lot of bad experiences but you’ve also had a lot of good experiences. Try to remember the good experiences. Be thankful. You may have times where you feel like you’re in a rut, it will be temporary. Keep going. Strive for more. You’re doing a good job.

3/23- Journalists are urging everyone to write about their quarantined experiences. It’s interesting that my blog (or personal diary) is called You Only Need You. I started writing to prove to myself that I only needed my own strengths to get me through life. Well, now that I am forced to do that, by the state government, I’m feeling a little differently.

We all want to do our own thing. Some of us are introverts and enjoy being inside. Now, that we are forced to be inside, I am realizing how lucky I am (was) to be able to be outside. For months, I’ve had no desire to do anything. Suddenly, when I’m told that I CANNOT do anything-I want to! Is quarantining a hidden cure for depression?

No one knows what to do at my place of employment. We are told to do something and then an hour later it changes. Everyone is frustrated and angry.

People have bought out supplies at stores, we cannot get bread. They are acting like the world is ending and it’s not. I’ve realized a lot about humanity this week. No one reads anymore. Every decision is based off of irrational fear.

Today I read a “Humans of NY” blog post. It was about an only child who adopted her neighbors as grandparents. I cried immediately. I pray that my future children have this opportunity. My husband has no family. He was adopted and his adopted parents died. His sister, was verbally abusive towards him so she is not apart of our lives. I’ve questioned bringing a child into the world without a village. I went back and forth over the first year we were married. Every month my heart longed for a child more and more. I admitted to myself that it has to happen and we would make it work. Now we are trying and every month when I get a negative test result, I want my mother to hold me. One month I went to her grave and cried. I begged her for strength and guidance. I promised her I would be strong. I left her a pink rose (her favorite) and I took a photo of the rose. It has been my phone wallpaper ever since. After the cemetery visit I stopped at a flea market. When I was a child my mother often took us to this flea market. She would buy cotton shirt and short sets, in an array of colors and patterns. We would stop in a cosmetics store, and stock up on hair products. I went in and purchased her favorite perfume-Halston. Since that day, every time I need strength, I look at my phone, at the photo of the pink rose and I spritz Halston on my wrist. This is how I channel my mother.

‪Ten years ago this week we had a memorial service for my father, he was 51. I bought his house from him and worked two jobs so that he could live peacefully in Florida while he tried to recover. At this time, I thought he was recovering from colon cancer, but that wasn’t the case. He was hiding an opioid addiction. He didn’t have health insurance and I didn’t want to lose the only stable house that was in my unstable life. So I took the house from him, refinanced and gave him the money. He moved to Florida. I also hired a lawyer who got him disability payments and Medicare. I was 24 and I was working two jobs and now I was a homeowner and landlord.

Even though he wasn’t the best dad he was my dad. I couldn’t just sit back. I lost years of my life as a homeowner and landlord. I would lay in bed with pains in my stomach as I awaited the next issue with the tenants. People accused me of taking money from him, but there was no profit. The tenants payment barely paid half of my mortgage. I convinced my sister to move back in with me. This house was so important. My grandparents had it built after World War II. They received a military discount. It was the only constant in my life-this house. So, I was saving my childhood too.