How do I know you only need yourself to be successful? I read that I should only share snippets of my theme with you. This is not my autobiography. This is the beginning of my memoir.
My earliest memory, I must have been 3 or 4, consisted of me hunched underneath a futon, holding my sister, who was 18 months younger. We lived in a middle class suburb in New York. My father owned his own business, he had learned a trade in high school, and decided to start his own business rather than pursuing his actual dreams. My mother was a genius. Women were not sent to college during her time, so her family paid for secretarial school. She funded her own education, learning how to Bookkeep. They were married when my mother was already pregnant with me. More about their backgrounds later.
Back to the futon: I remember I was trying to calm my sister and tell her we were safe. We were in a room in our house that was designated as a playroom. It was basically a room where my mother could throw all of our toys, and us, pop on a VHS tape, and not be bothered. My parents made arguing a sport. It was violent. They would scream and yell at each other, a neighbor would hear, the police would show up. They would calm down, life would go on, and then this would occur again. We were on a rinse and repeat cycle. So, I would protect my sister during their battles. We would hear objects being thrown, cursing, doors slamming. I don’t know how or why, but it has always been my instinct to protect her. Maybe because I am the older one? I would stay calm, and eventually I’d tell her when it was safe. My parents never hurt either of us, physically that is. Hearing your parents scream at each other is terrifying. I remember thinking “is daddy going to hurt mommy?” There was nothing I could do. If he was going to hurt her, I couldn’t stop him. The police showing up, was a relief. How awful it was, two parents arguing so violently and aggressively, that police needed to separate them.
I’ve thought about it so many times: Why would parents think it was a good idea to argue like that in front of their 2 small children? Why did they even have children? Why did they even get married? Why did the police not take us away to a safer (normal) home? I would never let my children hear my husband and I fighting that way. Why did they allow themselves to get to that place? I was 3 or 4 years old. Did I need anyone? NOPE. Did I have anyone comforting me? Calming me? NOPE. I was a little girl, and I didn’t need anyone, I survived.
You Only Need You 